Looking At Existence
I don’t know how to explain it, but I just always felt things differently.
One memory stands out. I remember being 11 and we were on our way to a mall on a Saturday. We obviously took the bus maybe the B38, all the way to the last stop. It was during winter break so there wasn’t much on my mind until this. I always sat on the window seat, feeling sad. Sad about the realization of the fact that we’re all going to die. I’m sure every kid knows this—about death but never knew it. Why are we here? How come, whoever made the universe—if there is a creator—made it so life doesn’t last forever? What if they never chose to make the universe? Where would my soul be? Will it just be plain black? This drove me into straight up panic like shit’s not even funny. I remember being sad the entire winter break however when school resumed the feeling went away. Not permanently, it comes back, and it has come back multiple times.
I have always thought to myself “Why am I alive if I’m just going to be scared?” It just didn’t make sense…everyone I saw who was around my age, were clueless and had the privilege to have free space in their mind to focus on pointless drama. Even more privileged to be secured enough to be dating—or so I thought—looking back I do think it’s only because they sought out validation from opposite genders. Not everyone but I believe it’s very easy to tell who was seeking validation.
Then I went to Mexico, where I should’ve been born, if my parents never took the biggest risk of their lives. I visited Mexico City and the City of Puebla, but I spent most of my time in the small town where my parents grew up. It was nothing like New York City and I do believe my parents saved me. Why did I have the opportunity to be born and raised in New York City? My questions aren’t just fear—they’re awareness, which most people try to silence that voice that asks why? Through alcohol, drama, relationships that they’re just not ready for. And endless scrolling.
I used to think my awareness was a curse but it’s the only thing that makes life real. It can be a curse if you let the emotions and thoughts rush in with no reflections on why you’re thinking or feeling this way. These experiences made me realize I do have a purpose and it isn’t to live in fear all the time. Maybe my purpose isn’t to become a billionaire hedge fund founder or the President, but it is to rewrite the story of my entire bloodline.